I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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