No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
