We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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