so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
