omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
