she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
