So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Randomize
