What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Come share oat with me in your robe
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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