Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
