I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
