I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
