Have you finally orgasmed yet?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Randomize
