I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
