I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
