it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
