so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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