Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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