I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
