4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
