When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
