She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
