i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
