My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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