Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Randomize
