Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
