i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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