and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
