was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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