please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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