this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize