Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
