Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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