i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
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