Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
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