Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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