If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
