Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
