Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
