READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
