i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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