If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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