i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
