Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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