So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
