Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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