Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
