i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
