i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
