Please, let me fuck your mom
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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