Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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