last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
