She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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