: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
