And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
