In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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