omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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