Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
