come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
