just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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