his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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