I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
