We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
