dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
