dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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