hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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