My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
