I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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